Are you addicted to love?

You have just met an amazing love interest who consumes your every thought. Nothing else matters, and your friends-well they are around when you are single, but once you are in a relationship, friends are no longer important. All that matters is love and you would do anything to ensure this love lasts forever. Robert Palmer describes the feeling in his song, “Bad Case of Loving You.” Does any of this sound familiar? If so, then you might have a case of love addiction.

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Love addicts fantasize about unavailable people, such as someone who is married or already in a relationship. They obsess over their significant others when they are in love, confuse needs with wants, are sometimes addicted to drama, have difficulty walking away from toxic relationships, replace ended relationships immediately, and always look for happy endings. They jump into relationships without taking the time to get to know the person. They lead with their hearts and not with their heads. They can be needy, insecure and controlling. The control can manifest itself as a projection of guilt on their significant others, stimulating jealousy, nagging, a feeling of helplessness, or even the use of sex as a tool to get what they want. Some even play the “caretaker” and enjoy feeling needed in order to gain control.

Soren Kierkegard, the famous philosopher once said, “Therefore worldly prudence shouts early and late: look before you love.” The love addict is so swept away by passion that it is impossible for him or her to remain rational and grounded. There is something romantic about being swept off your feet and falling madly in love with someone. The idea of a storybook romance has been glorified for centuries. After all, that’s what happens in the movies, right? We have all had those friends who fall hard for someone and then move on to the next “love of their lives” only a few weeks later. At that moment, the object of that friend’s desire is more important than anything … that is until the spell wears off.

The love addict ignores his or her own boundaries, accepts dishonesty from their partners or has high levels of tolerance for suffering in relationships.

In the book, Addiction to Love: Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships by Susan Peabody, the many forms of love addiction are outlined, along with how to recognize and treat them.

In the movie Fatal Attraction Glen Close obsesses over Michael Douglas. Like Glen Close, love addicts believe they have to be with their significant others or die. Some feel they must always be in a relationship. Others have to be with a particular person, even if the feelings for that person have died. In some cases, love addicts do not necessarily obsess over their partners, but the relationship itself.

In his song, “Addicted to Love,” Robert Palmer describes the many different ways love addiction can manifest itself. Some love addicts are addicted to the “high” of the passion. Then once the passion dwindles, these addicts move on.

How do you know if you are a love addict? Ask yourself the following questions:

Are you needy?
Do you fall in love fast?
When you fall in love do you obsess over the object of your love or over the relationship?
Do you get involved with almost anyone who shows interest?
Do you try to hold onto a relationship no matter how unhealthy it is?
Do you find yourself always falling in love with the wrong people?
When the relationship ends, do you feel life is over or have suicidal thoughts?
Do you hate the idea of being alone?
Do you find yourself addicted to drama in relationships?
Do you have difficulty saying “no” to your partner?
Do you suffer rather than let go of a relationship?
Do you think a romantic relationship will fix everything?
Are you terrified that you might never find someone special to fall in love with?
Do you find yourself playing the role of caretaker in the relationship?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, it might be time to explore the possibility that you have an addiction and seek help.

There is hope for the love addict. If treated, love addiction can go into remission.

Some love addicts are automatically drawn to people who are needy. There is a strong desire to take care of someone or feel needed in order to control the outcome by buying love or making the significant other dependent.

Others choose people who will take care of them. Unfortunately, the needy type of love addict runs the risk of being in a relationship with someone who is controlling, dominating or in some cases abusive. Some are drawn to abusive partners unconsciously, only to have difficulty leaving the relationship down the road.

Then there are the love addicts who are captivated by artificially beautiful people or someone who is handsome. In many cases, the beautiful people are only beautiful on the outside and lack everything on the inside. It’s important to know the person within rather than being swept away by “love at first sight.” The love addict bonds to the idea or fantasy instead of the person.

Love addicts also need to watch out for people who remind them of their parents, especially if their parent/child relationships were unhealthy. In some cases, childhood trauma or abandonment may have played a substantial role in the cause of their insecurities and dependency issues.

In Addiction to Love by Susan Peabody, she states, “…love addicts always start out looking for someone to love, and end up with an unloving partner instead.” Since love addicts fear abandonment and cannot stand the thought of being alone, they often race into relationships too quickly, overlooking the warning signs of an unhealthy relationship.

Boundaries are critical for the love addict, whether the boundaries are sexual, emotional, physical, spiritual or relational. Understanding the types of personalities that trigger obsessive feelings, such as fear of abandonment, negative feelings, need for constant reassurance, bonding too quickly or fear of letting go (to name a few) will assist in making the choice to avoid the relationship altogether.

Making changes is not always easy, but recognizing and admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery.

So how does one have a healthy relationship or break the cycle of love addiction?

First and foremost, you must realize that being single is not the end of the world. In order to have a healthy relationship with someone else, it is important to develop a healthy relationship with yourself.

You must face the fear of being alone. While you are single, you should develop interests, pursue hobbies, read books, spend time with friends, be adventurous, exercise or journal about your feelings. You should celebrate having the freedom and time to do whatever you want. Yes, there are advantages and disadvantages to being single just like there are to anything else in life. If you learn to be content with being single, it will be easier to relax and not obsess when you are in a relationship.

Recognizing the warning signs in advance will help you avoid becoming swept up in an unhealthy relationship. Below is a list of helpful tips for how to start a relationship:

• Take time getting to know the person. Develop a friendship and discover whether or not this is someone whom you can trust and who makes you feel safe. Ask: Are you able to count on this person?

• Hold off on sex.

• Avoid being blinded by emotions. Put romantic love into perspective. Lead with your head and not your heart. If your heart is feeling as if you have met the man of your dreams and your head is pointing out his temper, his controlling tendencies, the fact that something is not right about this relationship, then pay attention to what your head is trying to tell you.

• Know both what you want and what you do not want. Make a list of things that are important to you in a relationship, along with a list of things you will not tolerate.
• Look for someone who you do not need to change in order to meet your needs. Find someone already healthy.
• Look for someone who is happy with you just the way you are and does not try to change you.
• Avoid making excuses if your significant other is unable to take care of himself or herself.
• Know when to walk away and take action immediately.

• Set boundaries in the relationship and stick to them.
• When entering a committed relationship, discuss important topics with your significant other. These can include the future, fidelity and what some call “ground rules” of the relationship.
• Do not panic if your partner pulls back, but if your partner does not return … understand that it is time to move on.

Look for recovery support groups either online or in your community. There is an online site called Love Addicts Anonymous (www.LoveAddicts.org) if you would like more information on how to determine if you are a love addict or treatment.

Award-winning Danish film director, Pernille Rose Grønkjær, is currently making a documentary film on love addiction. Pernille is travelling to select cities in the US including Los Angeles to speak with people dealing with love addiction and listen as they share their own personal experiences. She has already spoken to many therapists and specialists in the field in order to find the right place and environment to make the best film possible on this delicate matter. If you want to learn more about the documentary, or if you have a personal experience with love addiction that you would like to share with her, please write Pernille at: loveaddiction@danishdocumentary.com.

For more information, please visit her website www.loveaddictiondoc.com.